There is no surefire way to get over an ex boyfriend / girlfriend. When you break up, especially after being together for a long time, it is like losing a part of yourself. Do not fear though - it is not losing a part of yourself, it is just “like” losing a part of yourself.
There are a common set of 5 stages of grief that people go through during a breakup:
- Denial
- Anger / Resentment
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Denial
At this point, you cant believe what has happened and you are most likely overwhelmed by shock - half expecting things to go back to “normal”.
Anger / Resentment
This is when it gets nasty & you might be inclined to do or say things that you will regret to the other person. You blame the other person for causing the situation or wasting years of your life, or being so difficult. In many ways those things are necessary because essentially fighting with each other and causing hurt makes the break up easier to comprehend for each person.
Bargaining
Im not quite sure that this is next after anger. Apparently, this is where you will feel inclined to try to convince the person that you can change or they can change and you really should be together. The decision to break up feels wrong and it seems as though the solution is to get back together rather than stay apart.
Depression
It’s really quite straightforward. You feel down in the dumps, alone and withdrawn from the world. At this point, the loss is acknowledged and it takes time to deal with it and sort through the issues. This is when you will feel most alone in the world. But dont fret! the best is yet to come.
Acceptance
The breakup is now in your past. You’re able to move forward with your life. Hopefully at this stage, seeing the person doesnt send you backwards in to one of the other stages.
What else?
Now that you know the stages of grief, you can at least understand what you are going through. Some other things you may experience during grief is a sense of a lost identity. You need to rediscover and redefine who you are without the other person. It’s difficult and dangerous because its important to have stability in your life.
How to get through it
- Go to the Gym / work out - This is a fantastic thing to do when you are getting over a break up. Working out releases endorfins in the brain so you feel better than you ordinarily would if you were going through a break up (I am working out 5 - 6 times a week).
- Be more social - Hang out in coffee shops with a good book, make some new friends who dont know your ex, get out of the house!
- Generally get more busy - The less time you have alone to think, the less time you will be sitting alone thinking about your break up. Dwelling on a problem rarely presents a solution. The only thing to help with a breakup is time. If you can allow time to pass without overanalyzing the situation, it will help.
- Join a club, group or new activity - Increase the number of times you do an activity during the week. Take a cooking class. Join a book club. Do something you’ve always wanted to try. Go travelling!
All of these can help you take your mind off grieving for the most part but will allow you to think about it in moments - to process things without dwelling.
In this case, I am taking my own advice! I hope it works for you.
Lia, What will help you most is time. In time you will realize that “why” he didn’t fight for your relationship is not important. The only thing that is important is that he didn’t fight for your relationship.
Sometimes we are better off to forget about the other person rather than seek an answer to every question we have.
wow its actually tru my bf jst broke up with me after 2 years without a reason atal…says he sitll loves me it jst was going dwn hill…:S and i went threw all those stages..i dnt no if iv accepted it yet..but maybe i have
i cnt belive how accurate it is!
I have a question… I dated a guy for about a year and a half and the whole time I was unhappy because I wasn’t completely”in love” with him. I did love him, think he was the worlds BEST boyfriend as well as attractive but I broke up with him because the passion wasn’t there. When I saw he was dating another girl I immediately realized I wanted him back and was completely in love with him but it was too late he said he was over me. When we were together I didn’t think there was ANYTHING I could do to make him not want me anymore. He’s all I can think about… Is this just jealousy or did I just need to realize he wouldn’t be there no matter how horribly I treated him?
Hi Heather, it sounds to me that you’re feeling insecure because he doesnt want you anymore. Well, that’s natural to feel that whether you loved him fully or not. We always want what we cant have. You are better off to move on. Trying to get him back will only make you both miserable in the long run if your heart wasnt there to begin with.
I think all of these ideas were good.I had to get over an ex once,wasn’t easy but i did.And now I have a new girlfriend.OH YEA!!!!!:)
Lia, I agree With Colin if he didn’t even fight for the realationship then forget him.
It’s been a year since it’s all been over.. I was with him for about two months but I’d known him for 3 years. He wanted me a long time ago and I never paid attention untl 1 day he broke up with his girlfriend and decided to contact me, he thought I could grow to like him, and help him get over his ex. I eventually grew to love him, understand that he was a lot like me. But I came to know that there was no room in his heart for me. So I left. Never look back but once or twice I text him and that got me nowhere. It’s been a year. I know he is not worth it. I know I was his rebound, he used me. Never really gave a dime abt me but still sometimes I cant heol but look for him.. I’m worried. I know all the rules in the book about letting go but “no..It’s beyond me now”.. it scares me…
thanks for the advice
wow I have been broken up with my ex for 2weeks now and reading this post helped me so much. we were 2gether for 3 and a half years of drama. He used me like a door mat and was a selfish pathelogical liar, the reason why I stuck around cause I didn’t wanna be alone. my biggest mistake was loving someone more than I loved myself. you shouldn’t have to beg someone who claims they love you to spend time with u, be faithful. if a relationship is not progressing after 3 years and is at the same place it was in the beginning then its time to move on. you can’t change a person or there behavior they have to make a change themselves. there’s is a light outside of a break up tunnel even though it will hurt your life is not over trust me. when you truely move on a month, a year from now you will look back and laugh and say what was I thinking. it only been 2weeks but the best way to truely move on is no contact, out of sight out of mind and keep busy no matter how bad it hurts to face people. I am 75 percent over him in 2weeks soon I will be 100 percent over him. no matter what I was a good, beautiful woman and he will miss me but its his loss for taking me for granted.
I was in relationship with gril in another country,I am in US. We were together for 5 years.SHe had to travel back and forth from her country to see me. I never married her but should have. We had a rocky time together but still loved ech other. I have not seen in 3 years exactly.
2 years go we had a fight online and she ended it. I went thru all the anger,denial,etc.. I am depressed ove this still, however. SHe would contact me every 5 or 6 months to see how I am, but would aways say she does not want to look back but just be friends. I dont want to just be friends with her. She did this again yesterday. I have not been able to stop thinking about her. What can I do to move past? I dont think she wants to get back together.
Also, I have to say “WOW” I thought I was the only one who cant seem to get over someone even after 3 years, but after I read this whole page, I see there are those that have been broken up even longer and moved on with another and still cant seem to get over the “one”.
I was with my ex for 3 years and last Christmas he gave me a ring. A few months later he dumped me and said he “didn’t want to be with anybody.” I moved out and found another boyfriend who I do love, but I miss my ex terribly. I have been missing him. I went to his house yesterday and there was another girl in his bed with him and she was curled up in my blanket. I lost my mind and just wanted to break anything I could.
I am very hurt. Can someone help me? I am stuck bouncing around in the anger/depression and bargaining. And I dont even know that I want to be with him anymore, but I love him so much and it hurts so badly to know he is with someone else. He lied, you know? It hurts so much worse now.
I was still pining over my first love some 6 years later, so I can understand the depression factor. Such a lot of time lost hoping and praying that we would get back together.
I eventually moved to another country and now when I look back over the last 40 years or so I’m glad I moved on - otherwise I wouldn’t have met my existing soulmate!
I know it’s difficult, but applying the tips you mention on this page is the way to go.
I was in a 3 year relationship, my first love. At first i wasn’t sure if i wamnted to be in a relationship because i wasnt constantly attracted to him. I was in 11th grade in highschool. He was a year older than me..We started hanging out and talking.He fell in love with me first. I still talked to guys though and hung out. After a while we hooked up and started going out. I admit i did hurt him alotby still talking to guys. i would tell him if he didnt like it then dont be with me. He was a good boyfriend but had a bad attitude. He depended on me alot after a while i had to give him rides he was always broke. We just started arguing more and more. He got tired of everything and left me without giving me an explanation or to see if we can work it out. I was crushed i couldnt beluieve it and til this day. its been two months and i found out hes dating some other girl for that long. but what hurt me more is that he would still look for me and wanted to see me while he was seeing her. I had a feeling but wasnt sure til i saw him at theatre wit hher. i confronted him n he looked stupid with nothing to say. That girl called me next day 2 see y i still cared if it wouldnt of been for her calling me and telling me everything i wouda never known. Hes still a loser depends on her hes broke no car or nothing going for him. Shes the stupid girl and its so hard to know someone else taking my place but i’ll be ok. He’ll regret it later and i still wish him best!!! i will take it as a learning experince i did alot of bad things and they came back to me but i tried everything to help him i dont regret anything though..He lied to me to so it will go back to him. I DONT NEED A GUY LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE. DEPENDS ON WOMEN.WOw!!!!!
i to still love my ex after 5 years she left me and moved in withe some one els i know him i have even helped him out some times i would not belive she whent withe him he is older then her but you know whot i whent to the gym lost over 30 kg and from a size 56 am know a size 36 i look good i feel great and meet a lots of new girls to some even come up to me and say whot a great job i have done withe my body i still think about my ex but its her loss you know life goes on live it to the max dont look back i just have a good time
I dont know if its over or not but Iam totally depressed we are both widows and thats how we met been together for a year and half I feel that I still love her but she claims shes not sure any more . Iam 60 and am sure I have some life to live and share . but at this stage of life am not sure if I want to go on